


Not Goodbye

by theoofoof



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27457300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoofoof/pseuds/theoofoof
Summary: A look into CJ’s thoughts during her final moments in the White House.
Relationships: Danny Concannon/C. J. Cregg
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	Not Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song ‘Not Goodbye’ by British singer-songwriter Paul Bell. You can listen on Spotify if you wish.

_Not sure what this is_ _  
_ _How to describe this moment_ _  
_ _Don't know what to call it_ _  
_ _But it's not goodbye_

CJ Cregg walked through the halls of the West Wing, saying one final farewell to the place where she’d spent the majority of her time over the last eight years. Her apartment had merely been a place to sleep – it was 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue that had been her home. 

It seemed like just yesterday that she, Josh, Sam, and Toby had first walked through these hallowed halls with big dreams of how they were going to change the country and the world for the better. The time had flown by and they hadn’t managed to achieve everything they’d set out to do. The budget still wasn’t balanced, they hadn’t cured cancer or other degenerative diseases. NASA had lost a rather expensive Mars probe on their watch, they’d shut down the government, oh and they’d orchestrated the assassination of Abdul Shariff.

But they had put three nominees on the Supreme Court, including the first Hispanic and first female chief justice. They’d brokered a peace settlement between Israel and Palestine, created nine million new jobs, and the highest home ownership rate on record as well as making more than 150 new trade agreements. They’d finally found a way to make college tuition tax-deductible too. They had even fixed Social Security, not that anyone would know the part they played in it. 

Overall, it wasn’t a bad legacy. 

Certainly not for a girl from Dayton who, after studying at Berkeley had worked on a couple of small state-wide campaigns and done a short stint with Emily’s List before moving into Hollywood PR. It wasn’t a move she had dreamed of making, but she was in between jobs when the offer came up and the sizeable paycheck wasn’t something she was going to sneer at, not with college loans to pay.

When Toby turned up in California to recruit her for Bartlet for America, it had seemed like fate. She had been fired that morning and here was her old friend offering her the chance to work on a national campaign. She didn’t know much about the candidate, but it didn’t matter. Toby assured her Bartlet was a good man; the real thing, and she trusted him, so off she went. 

CJ wasn’t sure, at first, that they were going to win the nomination. She believed in Jed Bartlet but Hoynes had been the front-runner since day one. Still, she was getting valuable experience and she made contacts that would be useful even if they didn’t. But then they started to get traction and win more primaries and then there they were there, at the convention and Bartlet was accepting his party’s nomination. Then they really were playing in the big leagues. 

When they won the election, she became the first woman to hold the position of White House Press Secretary. Sitting in her hotel room after the election, she had wondered if the President Elect and Leo would decide to bring in someone new for her position – she knew there were discussions going on about hiring David Rosen instead of Toby – perhaps it would be the same for her. She needn’t have worried; Leo offered her the job within three days of the result being confirmed. 

_Reminds me of "so long"_ _  
_ _A bit like "see you later"_ _  
_ _But whatever it may be_ _  
_ _It’s not goodbye_

Opening the door to the press room, CJ flashed back to her first briefing. She’d been terribly nervous. It was one thing to brief the Press Corps on the campaign, in a hotel conference room or a school gymnasium, but this was The White House. She would be standing behind the seal of the President, speaking for him. In the end, she’d done okay. She had answered all the reporters' questions and hadn’t tripped on her way to the podium like she’d dreamed she would, but she knew she could do better.

Every day, she’d strived to do better. It had taken her a few months, but she eventually gained their trust. Some of them had followed the campaign so it was easier with them, but it wasn’t long before she had the respect of the serious journalists in the press corps. She built up a good rapport with them and was able to joke and tease them without it affecting their professional opinion of her. 

Surveying the room, she stepped up onto the stage to stand, for one final time, behind the podium. She placed her purse on the floor and rested her palms against the wood. 

She’d made a few faux pas over the years, misspoken a few times, but they all had and eventually they moved past it. There were only two times she ever feared for her job, one was in the first year when their job approval rating had practically been on the floor and, after she’d taken charge of the messaging strategy, no one but her thought that the polling results would change. Luckily, they went up nine points and she lived to brief another day. Then she’d been benched after the whole MS/Haiti debacle. That time she was sure she was out on her ear, so much so that she’d told the President she’d thought she should leave, getting in there before he fired her. But the President had realised he was wrong and even said he needed her.

She could never have envisaged just how much the President would need her towards the end of his administration. Never, even in her wildest dreams, had she thought she would become Chief of Staff. When the President asked her to jump off a cliff for him, she hadn’t really understood what he meant. It was only later, in the car, on the way back to the White House that his meaning became clear. Leo had named one person he felt should succeed him. Just one. And that person was her. 

They had been big shoes to fill and she never really stopped thinking of her office as Leo’s, but she’d succeeded. Her first days had been rocky, and she’d been convinced the President and Leo had made a mistake but, with the support of those around her she found her feet and grew into the role that would define her career. She was painfully aware that the first line of her obituary would read something along the lines of, ‘CJ Cregg, former White House Chief of Staff…’

Whatever she did next – and she’d had a range of offers – would pale in comparison to the eight years she had spent serving her country and her president. 

They’d been in transition for the past two months and it had been a strange experience; a mix of eagerness to get something of substance done and apprehension at what would come after. CJ had tried to focus on the former; savouring every second of their last few weeks in power and sucking every last morsel of meat off the experience before it was over. 

“You look good up there.” 

The voice pulled CJ back to the present and she looked up to see Steve stood in a doorway off the Press Room. 

“Thanks.” She bent down to retrieve her bag; it wouldn’t do to be found lingering as the Press Corps began to return.

“We missed you,” Steve told her as she stepped down from the stage. 

“Can’t say the feeling’s mutual.” She headed for the door with a smile.

But Steve wasn’t done. “The President pardoned Toby Zeigler today. Any comment?”

“Nope.” 

“You have an opinion?”

“Sure I do.” 

She had quite a few - some conflicting. But, given that she was no longer at the mercy of the press corps or the American people, she didn’t give it. Instead, she pushed open the exterior door and stepped out into the bright afternoon sunlight. 

_No it's not goodbye_ _  
_ _It's not goodbye_ _  
_ _I'll see you someday on the other side_

While she hadn’t missed the Press Corps collectively, there were a few reporters who she’d come to consider as friends – as far as their roles allowed – who she would miss sparring with. Chris, Katie, Mark and even Steve himself. But the people she would miss most were those within the administration. 

During her time working for Governor, then President Bartlet, CJ had met some of the most important people in her life. Deep, meaningful friendships had been forged in the fires of the campaign and eight years of governing had only served to deepen them. The all-nighters they’d pulled trying to get resolutions through congress, the poker games – complete with trivia pop-quizzes from the President – and the countless flights on Air Force One had all served to strengthen the bonds between the staff.

They’d had it good for a while. They had celebrated the highs together – re-election, birthdays, awards, children - and had supported each other through the lows – Sam and a call girl, Leo and the revelations about his time in rehab, the shooting, the MS scandal, Mrs Landingham. They had seen each other through love and heartbreak, new life, and loss. 

The latest loss, just over two months ago, was still raw. Leo had been their leader – even when he’d stepped down as Chief of Staff, they all still looked to him – and she missed him terribly. Watching the inauguration was particularly painful, knowing that he should have been standing on the dais with President Santos, ready to take his place as Vice President. 

He’d brought her into the fold, along with Toby, Josh, and Sam. He’d helped shape them into the team they’d become. A team that had disbanded over the years, leaving her as the sole survivor from the original senior staff. 

At the start of their first term, the four of them had made a pact that none of them would walk away while they still had a job to do. She had imagined the four of them walking out of the White House together, in much the same vein as they had walked in. But that was not the case, and here she was making her final exit alone.

Sam had left to run for Congress in California before returning to the private sector, but they’d kept in touch, exchanging weekly emails, and meeting up whenever they could. He was a good friend and, on hearing that she was thinking about moving back to the west coast, had offered her the use of his condo until she was ready to make a permanent decision about her future. He wouldn’t need it now that he was back in D.C. working for Josh. 

Josh. Her surrogate brother. She was incredibly proud of what he’d achieved both professionally, in leading the Democratic party into another four years in power, and personally, in his relationship with Donna. CJ had watched the two of them dance around each other for almost nine years and, while she hadn’t always approved of the way they treated each other, she understood the underlying motives behind their actions. She was pleased they seemed to have found a way to move forward together and hoped it would last. 

The circumstances surrounding Toby’s departure were still hard for CJ to take. She’d been furious at him for what he did; she’d wanted to kick him in the stomach a few times, but her visit to his apartment the two weeks ago had thawed the ice between them. She was glad the President had decided to pardon him; she couldn’t bear the thought of him rotting in prison; Huck and Molly having to see him in an orange jumpsuit across an aluminium picnic table. 

Then there was the President and Mrs Bartlet. Josh had once told her that President Bartlet thought of her as a daughter and she had come to think of him as a surrogate father. _“The pleasure was all mine, sir,”_ was what she had said to him earlier in the Oval Office. And she’d meant it. Serving him would be the honour of her life. She’d had dinner with him and the First Lady in the Residence the previous evening and the privacy had allowed them to have a much more emotional goodbye than they could have had today. Once complete with hugs, tears, and promises to keep in touch. Their relationship hadn’t been without its ups and downs. In the early days, she’d been deliberately kept out of the loop on some issues, leading her to question her position in the administration. The revelations about his health in their second year had rocked their relationship further, but they’d come through it and CJ had become one of his most trusted advisors. He’d given her the opportunity of a lifetime and she’d be forever grateful. 

There were others who had come into the fold after too – Will, Kate, Annabeth – who had also become friends and, while she would miss them, she didn’t feel the same sense of loss. 

She wouldn’t have an opportunity to miss Carol as she was taking her old assistant with her to the Hollis Foundation. She had offered to find work for Margaret too, but she had politely declined, not wanting to move her son across the country, away from his father. She’s keeping a desk warm for Charlie too, for when he graduates from Georgetown – although she’s not sure California will be for him. 

Whatever they did next, wherever they ended up, the people from this administration would always be connected. And they would keep in touch; she was sure of it. They had been through too much not to. Their lives had been intertwined; they were all part of her story and she was part of theirs. She was grateful for the time they shared, and she knew that, when she looked back over the past nine years, she would do so with a smile on her face. They were a family, albeit a slightly dysfunctional one.

_Disguised as an end_ _  
_ _It's a new beginning_ _  
_ _Like losing, but still winning_ _  
_ _And it's not goodbye_

CJ waved to the marine in the guardhouse as she walked through the gate for the final time as a government employee and stepped out onto Pennsylvania Avenue as an ordinary citizen. Closing the gate, she walked away, determined not to look back in case her emotions should get the better of her, but a voice caught her attention forcing her to turn. 

“Excuse me?”

She turned to see a man about her age and a young girl who she assumed to be his daughter.

“Excuse me? Do you work in there?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“We thought we saw you come out the gate. You work at the White House?”

She glanced at the impressive white structure where she’d practically lived for the past eight years and answered him honestly. 

“No. No, I’m sorry, I don’t.” 

The man turned to look at the building. “Must be something, huh?”

CJ smiled somewhat wistfully. “Yeah, something.” With one last look at the man and his daughter, CJ turned and headed back to her apartment to finish the last of her packing.

_Weeping in the night_ _  
_ _Joy comes in the morning_ _  
_ _So whatever this may be_ _  
_ _It’s not goodbye_

While she was sad that her time at the White House had come to an end, she knew there were new, better things waiting for her. 

For one, there was her new job. Heading up the Hollis Foundation would give her the chance to bring about some real, substantive change in the world without having to get approval from the house and senate. She was excited to start, but she was taking a break first – after 8 years helping to run the country, she felt she deserved it. 

Another thing she felt she deserved was the opportunity to lie-in and have lazy mornings in bed or pottering around the house. Although she imagined it would be a few weeks before her body adapted to not waking at 5am and being on alert twenty-four-seven. Her break would also allow her to finally catch up on all the movies and TV shows she’d missed out on and enable her to put a dent in the long list of books she’d been meaning to read. 

She was going to spend more time with her family. Hogan had followed in her aunt’s footsteps and was attending Berkeley, so CJ intended to spend some time with her; take her to lunch, on big shopping sprees, on long hikes. Make up for the last few years where their time together had been limited. She was planning to fly out to Ohio at some point too. Her father’s condition had deteriorated over the last few years and he seldom remembered who she was. Visiting was hard, but she would still do it, praying for him to have a rare moment on lucidity. 

If he didn’t at least this time she wouldn’t have to face it alone. 

Perhaps the most surprising aspect of her new life was Danny Concannon. Sparks had flown between them since early on the campaign trail and they had flirted with the beginnings of a relationship twice in the intervening years. But they hadn’t been able to make it work with their jobs. More specifically, she wasn’t willing to try and make it work because of their jobs. Time after time she had pushed him away so, even though they’d kept in touch over the years, she’d been surprised when he’d called three months ago and asked her to dinner. 

Initially, she had told him she didn’t want to get involved with him until after the inauguration, but Leo’s death – and her need for comfort in its wake – had catapulted their relationship forward. Those first few weeks had been wonderful – they had floated along on the excitement of being in a new relationship – but she had resisted discussions about their future. Until an offer from President Elect Santos had forced the issue. 

She’d feared committing to Danny, of what life might be like beyond the White House, but Danny had been unwavering in his faith in them and in their future and that had reassured her that jumping off a cliff with him was worth the risk. So, at 9.30 tomorrow morning, she was boarding a non-stop flight from Dulles to LAX. She’d order three bags of peanuts, wash down the Ambien with a glass of bad merlot and hopefully sleep through most of the flight safe in the knowledge that Danny would be waiting for her - with a tub of sunscreen - when she walked through the arrivals gate to start their new life together. 

So, as much as today was an ending, CJ reflected as she walked away from the White House for the final time, it was also a beginning. 

_No it's not goodbye_   
_It's not goodbye_ _  
I'll see you someday on the other side_

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed - I know there wasn't much action, but my muse just wouldn't leave me alone until it was written.


End file.
